


this love will never be convenient

by randomprose



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Kuroo Tetsurou, Aged-Up Tsukishima Kei, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, because that's my fucking brand, mentions of other Haikyuu!! cast - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomprose/pseuds/randomprose
Summary: “Maybe… maybe if I was greedy enough I could’ve found a way to be with you too.”“Tch. All those smarts and you couldn’t even understand that I’ll always be yours whenever, wherever?”Tetsurou and Kei and learning that love is never convenient but also that it’s always worth it. Always.





	this love will never be convenient

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It's been awhile. Got distracted by other stuff *coughkpopcough*. Here. Have another angst with a happy ending kurotsuki because that's my brand for writing these two. One day I'm gonna write tooth rotting fluff featuring these two but today is not that day. WE'RE GONNA SEE KUROTSUKI INTERACT AGAIN IN THE MANGA SOON I'M DFGHJKLKJHGGHJ
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's been reading, leaving kudos and comments, and messaging me on Tumblr about how much they anticipate my stories! Y'all the real MVPs.
> 
> ((Please listen to the orchestra pieces I’ve mentioned in the story. I made an effort to search for them and I promise it fits the scene.))
> 
> Title an story is inspired by [Tattooed Tears](https://genius.com/The-front-bottoms-tattooed-tears-lyrics) by The Front Bottoms.

 

 

   

“How long will you be gone?”

“Four years. Two to finish my MA and PhD and the other two to work in their labs there. I’ll probably be focusing on research and alternating between labs.”

“Then you’ll be home?”

“I-it depends if we finish the research by then.”

“I see.” He sighs, resigned. “I see.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Tetsurou and Kei’s relationship had never been easy.

It’s not to say that there are problems between the two of them. That is to say that the problem does not lie within the subject of feelings and whether or not it is reciprocal and such, they wouldn’t make it this far if the problem is about that after all, but more like the problem lies with the lack of timing.

In high school there wasn’t much opportunity for them to interact with each other since Kei was only a first year by the time Tetsurou was already a third year. However, being in the same volleyball circle gave way to some opportunities. Tetsurou never outgrew his attachment to his old high school team even when he was busy in university and besides, Kenma was still there. He often came over to practice with them when he’s not swamped by schoolwork and would even watch their practice matches. On training camps, he would be accompanied by Bokuto, who, like Tetsurou, held a certain attachment to his old high school team since Akaashi had taken over as captain.

And training camps meant Karasuno will be coming over to Tokyo and Karasuno in Tokyo meant Tsukishima’s guaranteed presence in Tokyo.

Tetsurou wouldn’t call it a natural progression of things but, whatever force made it possible, he continued to train with Tsukishima on training camps—which eventually led to them hanging out outside of training, which then led to train rides back and forth to Miyagi and Tokyo, and which then led to ‘Tsukki’ being ‘Kei’ and ‘Kuroo-san’ being ‘Tetsurou’. It was by no means easy, conflicting schedules and long distance to consider and all that, but they made it work.

By the time Kei started university in Tokyo, Tetsurou was set to America for an exchange student program for his senior year. It’s where he is also going to be doing his internship for another year.

Kei didn’t say anything aside from congratulations and a celebratory kiss. Still, it didn’t make Tetsurou less sad that he was leaving just as they thought as they can finally be together. He wants to be in the program and he wants the internship of course, but he wants to be with Kei more. Kei just rolled his eyes at him and called him ridiculous and went to see him off at the airport just in case he tries to not push through.

 _‘It’s just two years,’_ Kei said. _‘We did it before and they can do it again. There’s internet and email. We’ll Skype every day’_

But then, as soon as Tetsurou gets back from his studies, he gets drafted by the National Team. And being recruited by the National Team meant that Tetsurou will have to travel—a lot.

Again, Kei didn’t say anything. He just smiled and kissed Tetsurou long and hard and—God, Tetsurou swears it was like Kei was more excited for him than Tetsurou himself. Kei didn’t say anything and Tetsurou knows he wouldn’t because if Kei didn’t stop him when he wanted to be part of that exchange program, he’s not about to stop him from fulfilling his real dream of playing pro-volleyball.

But Tetsurou knows that it’s not easy for him, he saw the longing in his eyes and heard the question at the tip of his tongue that he knows Kei will never say out loud.

Instead, Kei shrugged and said _‘at least I get to see you every once and a while and I get to have courtside seats’_ and busied himself with his studies and graduating.

When Kei graduated (top of his class, Latin honors and all; Tetsurou is so, _so proud_ ) he was so happy and relieved because finally, Tetsurou thought, finally they can be together now. He can finally take Kei on away games without school getting on the way. They can finally travel together. He gets to see Kei off to work. He gets to go home to Kei and have dinners and mornings together. Finally.

_Finally._

Except, they don’t.

Barely three months since being asked to work for the university’s Paleontology Department, Kei is offered to continue his studies abroad. It’s a full scholarship and he doesn’t have to shell out a single yen. He’ll be studying at their sister school in America to complete his Masters and PhD and then work in their labs for a year or two to share his researches and expertise.

The night Kei told him about it, Tetsurou already knows the answer when he asked, “How long will you be gone?”

Four years, Kei said. Four years to finish his studies and researches.

There’s something else there, Tetsurou knows, something Kei is not telling him. He pushes him further.

“Then you’ll be home?”

Kei pauses and Tetsurou hears the soft hitching in his breath. He catches the momentary shift in Kei’s eyes and the almost imperceptible bobbing of his throat. Kei clasps his hands in front and Tetsurou watches him wring them and he knows the answer.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The thing with waiting games is Kei is not very good at them. He can prolong something for however much if he doesn’t want to talk about it, can prolong the buffer and the inevitable for as much as until the other side breaks.

But the thing about it is that Kei is only good at it when he’s not the one doing the waiting.

It’s been more than a week since the topic of him leaving was opened and a week since he and Tetsurou have said anything about it. He’s decided to give Tetsurou some space and followed Tadashi’s advice to not prod for a reaction right away but it’s nearing two weeks and Kei is getting restless.

“Well, you did take your sweet time before telling him,” Tadashi said over lunch when Kei spilled his distress. “It’s been, what, a month since you got the offer? You even told me and Akiteru first and Suga-san too when you had that coffee with him two days later. Kuroo-san wasn’t even the first to know – and you know he should’ve been.”

Which, in Kei’s opinion, was ridiculous because first of all, Akiteru is his brother and he just so happened to conveniently call as soon as Kei sat back on his desk and was still in shock over the offer. He literally just blurted it on the phone before Akiteru could even so much as say ‘hello.’ Second, Tadashi was his best friend since forever, it’s like instinct to call him up as soon as he got the news. He would’ve called him first if Akiteru didn’t beat him to it. Third, Suga-san is Suga-san and for whatever mystical reason, the man has always had a way of just knowing when something is happening to any of his friends. He never did outgrow his tendency to mother them and Kei has learned to just go with it.

Fourth, Tetsurou was in an away game at the time and Kei couldn’t very well call him up in the middle of practice and even after the game just to tell him all about it. He doesn’t want it ruining his concentration and risk costing the team the game.

“Your lame excuses aside,” here Tadashi actually rolled his eyes at him. “You’ve had plenty of time to tell him about it after he came back. Don’t try to tell me some half-baked bullshit about not wanting to ruin his good mood after winning a game. You know you should’ve told him. I stand by what I said – you should’ve told him first.”

The ‘now suffer the consequences’ was implied.

And suffer it he did because another week has passed and still not a word from Tetsurou about it. He’s actually starting to lose sleep over it and has trouble concentrating in the labs. He’s constantly on edge, his temper had become something fickle. The other day he’d almost yelled at a student intern over a simple filing mistake.

The thing about the waiting game is while Kei can hold up his own, Tetsurou fucking kills it.

They’ve finished dinner and washing the dishes—a quarter an hour spent in silence with Kei thinking how to gently and casually breach the subject—and were now getting ready to lounge and watch TV. Tetsurou is already sprawled on the couch flipping channels unaware how his indifference is driving Kei up the wall. Kei is still standing in the threshold of the kitchen steeling himself to be calm and rational lest he say or do something he’ll regret.

Perhaps the other thing about the whole ordeal that bothers him more than his impatience and restlessness getting the better of him is that Kei feels cheated.

It’s not that he’s expecting Tetsurou to jump in joy at the news, heaven knows Kei didn’t. It’s just that when Tetsurou got that offer for an exchange study abroad, Kei didn’t make him wait for his reaction when he told him he’d be gone for two years. He didn’t make him wait for it either when he’d been scouted by the National Team and had to be away from time to time. So Kei didn’t think it was too much to ask of Tetsurou to not make him wait this long for his. The only reason Kei lasted this long in their little waiting game is because he feels resentful at what he think is Tetsurou being unfair and that resentment gave way to anger.

And Kei doesn’t get confrontational when he’s angry, he stows it in until the object of his anger breaks or he reaches his peak. It just so happens that Kei’s anger reached its peak first because Tetsurou has a will made of fucking iron.

Kei has had it with all of this pussyfooting. It pains his ego that he’s the first one to break but they need to talk about this right now. Gentle prodding be damned.

He crosses the distance between the kitchen doorway and the couch in four quick strides. Tetsurou doesn’t look up even as he stands beside him and Kei has to restrain himself from standing in front of him to block the TV like an angry housewife.

“We need to talk.”

Tetsurou’s thumb pauses from clicking on the remote for a split second. Kei could see the muscles on his shoulder tense and the slight pursing of his lips even as he continues to flip on channels. Kei’s hand twitches to snatch the remote and flung it away.

“I’m leaving in a month and you still haven’t said anything about it.” Kei swallows. He suddenly feels nervous, his heart slowly speeding up and his palms are starting to sweat, but he keeps his face neutral and his voice steady. “If you’re going to say something about it just say it now.”

At his words, Tetsurou finally stops flipping through the channels as he lets his shoulders sag and lowers the volume of the TV. He sits up and Kei watches as he runs a hand through his perpetual bed hair, looking defeated.

“What’s there to say?” He whispers low and quiet, seemingly to himself but Kei hears it. Tetsurou looks up at him and Kei sees the tired look in his eyes, the bags under it, and the ironic smile at the corner of his lips. “Were you even planning on telling me?”

“I—“

“You’re leaving in a month and I’ve only heard it two weeks ago? When were you told about this? When did you accept? Was I the last to know? Fuck, Kei! I—fuck!”

Kei suddenly remembers how Tetsurou told him four years ago about his study abroad program—the day he came to Tokyo. He remembers how Tetsurou told him about getting drafter by the National Team—he just came out of class and Tetsurou had called to tell him he got the letter in their mail, he didn’t even wait for Kei to get home. He remembers how Tetsurou would tell him whenever the team is going on away games—he’d call him as soon as practice ends, tell him where, when he’ll leave, how long and when he’ll be back.

And Kei thinks about how long it took for him to tell Tetsurou about the university’s offer. He remembers that he’d already accepted without even telling him and that three people had known about it first before the man in front of him.

Suddenly all the anger and the feeling of being cheated seems so stupid and selfish now. If anyone should feel angry and cheated it should be Tetsurou.

“I—of course I—“ Kei swallows again, his hands automatically clasping in front of him. “Look, Kuroo I—“

Tetsurou sighs because Kei just used his last name. He only reverts to that when he’s anxious or upset. Kei closes his eyes and lets him takes his hands to unclasp them—he didn’t even realized he was doing that—and makes him sit on the couch. He lets himself get pulled in to his arms as Tetsurou pushes him to lie down on his side, back against his chest as Kei collects himself. Tetsurou kisses the back of his neck and waits, ever patient.

Kei exhales, puts a hand on the arm circling his waist as it pulls him closer.

“I was going to tell you. Of course I was. I just…didn’t know how. You know I’m not good at this.”

Tetsurou hums, kisses his shoulders. “Did you think I would stop you?”

“No. And even if you did I won’t let you. But it’ll be harder for me because I—“ Kei sighs, defeated and suddenly exhausted. He can feel Tetsurou smile against his back because the sneaky cat knows. “I want to go but I don’t.”

“And why is that?”

“You know why, you bastard.”

“Do I? I don’t think I do, Kei.”

Why does he feel the need to make this more difficult for Kei than it already is?

“Because of you. I don’t want to go because of you.”

It sounds like an accusation. And maybe it is because Kei couldn’t find a reason to blame his reluctance on other than the person currently holding and making him second guess his decision.

“That doesn’t sound like you at all, Kei.”

“Shut up.”

Tetsurou continues to kiss him, peppering the back of his neck, his ear and his shoulder with them. Kei stares blankly at the TV screen in front. Tetsurou had stopped at some telecast of a concert, the orchestra playing _Chopin’s Étude No. 2 in F Minor_. Kei tries to focus on it for a while, at the lilts and rifts of the notes, but fails with Tetsurou distracting him. He turns around to face him and he stops his ministrations.

Kei looks at him, at the arch of his brows to his long lashes, the slope of his nose, the slight upward quirk of his lips, and finally, deep brown eyes staring back at his golden ones, intense and full of something like awe as if Kei is the reason for the world and life itself. It’s enough to make him rethink his decision—but.

“I’m not turning down the offer. I’m still going.”

 “I’m not stopping you though.”

“I know that! I know but I-I—“

Frustration is seeping at Kei’s every pore. Damn those eyes and damn Kuroo Tetsurou.

“Hm?”

“I just—“ Kei sighs as he shifts closer and tucks himself under the crook where Tetrusou’s shoulder and neck meet. “I just don’t want to be away from you.”

He thinks about the nights when Tetsurou is in another prefecture, another city, another country whenever the team is sent on away games. He thinks about the nights he’s going to be spending on another country—at the other side of the world—without him and thinks how different it will be. Kei had never been too bothered whenever Tetsurou leaves for games. He’ll be gone for maybe a week or two, a month tops, then come home.

But this, this is like those two years he was in America all over again, except longer and for an indefinite amount of time.

“I hope to God you’re not having second thoughts about this, Kei, because I love you to the moon and back but you know I’m gonna smack you if you even think of dropping the offer just because of me, right?”

“Fuck. I know already. Fossils and dinosaur bones over you, that’s for sure.”

Tetsurou kisses the top of his head and Kei just knows he’s smirking because he’s going to say something he thinks is clever.

“You always did have a kink for the old and ancient.”

“You’re literally just two years older than me, you dick.”

Tetsurou chuckles and Kei allows himself a smile at that. It’s become something of an inside joke between them now. It’s worn out and almost routinary, almost always conveniently inserted in their banters, but it never fails to crack them up.

The orchestra has moved on to their next piece. The first notes of _Chopin and Liszt’s Meine Freuden_ starts to fill the room.

His arm snakes around Tetsurou as he pulls himself flush against him, making sure there no distance between them left. The warmth radiating from him is comforting and Kei sighs. Tetsurou has always had a warm body temperature, it’s why he always sleeps without a shirt on during summer nights. He doesn’t get cold easily either but it only lasts until the coldness of the winter fully kicks in and then he’s basically wrapping himself up in layers upon layers. Their heater is always turned to the highest setting during winters yet he still wears at least three layers of clothing. Kei has always had a normal body temperature and has never been too susceptible to the cold. Tetsurou’s hands get cold the easiest and it’s become Kei’s job to hold them and make sure they keep warm. He wonders who’s gonna hold Tetsurou’s cold hands on winters when he leaves.

Fuck this. He hasn’t even left yet and already he’s worrying about the stupidest things. Kuroo Tetsurou has officially ruined him.

Kei sighs, his warm breath fanning at Tetsurou’s collar bones as he murmurs, “You did this to me.”

“Did I? You flatter me too much.” He kisses Kei’s forehead again as he absently runs circles on the small of his back. “It’s going to be so hard without you.”

“I know. I’ve gotten used to you and all your stupid.”

“Hey, now. You’re gonna miss me and my stupid when you leave you know.”

 _‘I know’_ , Kei thinks as Tetsurou’s kisses travels down to the crease between his eyebrows, his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose before finally kissing him on the lips. _‘I know. Of course I will.’_

The orchestra on the TV continues to play, this time _Tchaikovsky’s 18 Morceaux, Op. 72: No.5 Méditation_ , and if it were any other circumstances, Kei would’ve found all this romantic.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The team is privy to his predicament. At least the people he’s deemed friends and actually converse and hang out with outside of practice. They’re not at all that sympathetic about it like how Tetsurou wanted them to be.

“It’s a great opportunity for Tsukishima-kun. Please relay my congratulations to him.” Ushijima had said, cordial and sincere as ever.

“What?! That’s great news! We have to throw a party for Kei! I’ll go tell Ryuu and the rest of Karasuno.” Nishinoya, enthusiastic at everything as always, had said as he went to spread the news.

“I see. Well, Kei has always had a strong interest on dinosaurs. It’s great that the university sees his potential.” Kageyama, a little bit awkward but his tone and words indicated his happiness for his friend and former teammate.

“What?! That bastard! He didn’t even tell us! But I guess I’m happy for him. Kei had always liked studying. Bleh.” Hinata, outraged yet happy for Kei all the same. He even texted Kei as soon as practice ended.

Kei is sure to get a lot of congratulatory messages from their friends on the team. There’s even a party on the works if what he heard Nishinoya saying over the phone on a group call with the other former Karasuno team is right. Tetsurou can already imagine him scowling at him as soon as he comes home.

Oikawa and Bokuto tease him about it.

“Eh? Good for Kei-chan! Not so good for you though. Maybe it’s like payback from when you went to that exchange program. You know, the one you did as soon as he made it to Todai? Oh, hey, wasn’t that in New York too? Karma has such a way with irony, huh? But that’s just what I think.”

“Well, you must be well acquainted with Karma then. What with you being the huge asshole you are.”

“Hm? I wouldn’t know. Karma’s been good to me so far. I think she has a crush on me.”

Oikawa really is such an asshole but he does have a point. Maybe it is Karma for all the times he’s left Kei before.

“Good for Tsukki, bro! But what about you? How are you gonna get ass if Tsukki’s miles and miles away?” Bokuto asks as he starts doing his stretches. “Or is it dick? I’m not sure what your dynamics are.”

“That’s because that’s none of your fucking business.”

“Well, whatever. How are you gonna get ass or dick or whatever—because you’re so fucking stingy with the details, and I bet Tsukki takes it by the way because he has a nice ass—if you guys are so far away from each other?

“First of all, like I said, that’s because it’s none of your fucking business. Second, I’ve got hands you know, I think I’ll survive. Third, I know Kei’s got a great ass because he’s _my_ boyfriend, you bastard. I’m telling Akaashi on you.”

“I don’t know, bro. Your hands can only take you so far. Sooner or later your hand is gonna cramp and you’re gonna get tired of it. You’re gonna miss Tsukki’s great ass.”

“Stop talking about my boyfriend’s ass! I’m really gonna tell Akaashi on you now!”

He throws a volleyball at him but Bokuto easily dodges it and he and Oikawa just laugh as he scowls at them.

“Eh, whatever. Keiji wants to know too and he was the one who said Tsukki has a nice ass first, not me.”

“Gossipy bitches. Quit ogling my boyfriend, you thirsty little shits.”

“Well, what _are_ you gonna do about that, Romeo?” Oikawa pipes up from the floor as he stretches his legs. “What? Are you gonna fly all the way to America every time you need to nut? That’s one expensive fuck. Damn. I think Kei-chan would actually swoon.”

Kuroo rolls his eyes. Did this people think that a relationship only amounts to sex?

“This isn’t about the sex you idiots.” God, he swears he needs new friends. “Besides, I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

Okay so maybe it is a little about the sex but really it’s more than that. Much more.

Oikawa’s personal doctor is Iwaizumi and through some strong recommendations and some strings being pulled, Tetsurou suspects, he’s also the official physician of Japan’s men’s volleyball team, so he comes with them whenever they have away games. Oikawa absolutely hates it. Always complaining about Iwaizumi mothering him or some other. Or at least he pretends he does, but only because he can’t monopolize Iwaizumi all to himself. Iwaizumi is actually pretty good at his job—he keeps tabs on the team and their health conditions, strictly schedules check-ups every month, even aids on making their diet and training regimen. If Tetsurou’s suspicions about someone pulling strings for Iwaizumi to be the team’s official physician were true, he’s not fucking complaining. If only because he knows that it was only done out of pure good intentions.

Apart from being his doctor Iwaizumi is also Oikawa’s fiancé. Tetsurou is not privy to the details (apart from them being childhood friends but that’s common knowledge as far as anyone is concerned) but as far as he knows, the man specifically studied sports medicine just so he could look after Oikawa and actually have official and legitimate authority—more than he already does—to keep track of him and make sure he doesn’t go overboard with his playing. If that isn’t true love, Tetsurou doesn’t know what is. It’s so sweet and genuine he can’t even make fun of them for it.

Bokuto has been with Akaashi since the latter’s third year in high school (Bokuto gave him his second button during his graduation. Akaashi was too shocked but Tetsurou saw him tear up a little. It was all very cheesy and shit and like a scene straight out of a shoujou manga. Tetsurou will never let them live it down.) Akaashi went to a top music school after high school and is a fairly known pianist. Fairly known is what Akaashi describes it but he’s had concertos with different high caliber orchestras all over the world. Enough that he’s polished his English and has even had to learn another language—French, if Tetsurou remembers correctly. Nobody was surprised though. He had always been good with his hands and has been playing since he was a kid. He never really stopped even when he was playing for Fukurodani. He travels a lot for his performances so he and Bokuto always try to meet halfway.

They’re both low key salty about Kageyama and Hinata because they’re both part of the team and therefore never apart. Hinata got scouted at first. He was joined a year later by Kageyama after the injury on his right ankle healed and they’ve been inseparable ever since

Kuroo is high key salty of all of them. He hates them all. Lucky bastards.

Because while maybe they understand his predicament on a certain level, they still can’t grasp the weight of the situation he’s in. Sure, so maybe this was like the two years he was in America—and people always seem to reference that whenever the topic of his current situation comes up—but they made it through because they didn’t have any past experience living together before that. They weren’t used to seeing each other first thing in the morning when they wake up and they didn’t know what it was like having to see each other last before going to sleep. They didn’t know the feeling of sleeping with someone on the same bed, the weight of another on the mattress, the heat of another body lying down beside you and the comfort of knowing they’d still be there when they wake up. They didn’t know any of that until now.

And of course the sex factors in. Of course. He can barely keep his hands off of Kei whenever they’re alone together. Those two years and every time he goes at away games for too long is hard. Just thinking about not being able to kiss Kei until his breath turns short is driving him up the wall. But more than just the make outs and the press of Kei’s body against his own, more than the feeling of when he’s inside him, more than the sound he makes when he hits his spot just right and the way he moans Tetsurou’s name when he’s close and the way he does when he comes, more than how the way Kei looks when he comes undone and drives Tetsurou to his own unravelling, more than anything else things are going to be hard because he’s gotten used to _them._

Now—now Tetsurou has gotten used to waking up in the middle of the night feeling hot and sweaty because Kei had wrapped himself tightly around him. He’s gotten used to getting up and fetching another blanket because Kei is a blanket hogger and has a tendency to roll himself into a burrito in his sleep.  He’s gotten used to waking up at the smell of coffee and breakfast on weekdays because Kei has early mornings on weekdays and he’s gotten used to making coffee and breakfast on weekends because those are the only days Kei sleeps in. Tetsurou has gotten used to coming home to the smell of dinner cooking or ordering takeout for two. He’s gotten used to suds fights on the sink because Kei is a little shit and can be playfully immature when he’s in the mood. He’s gotten used to fighting over what they’ll watch for the night and losing every time there’s a show of anything about dinosaurs or artefacts because Tetsurou is weak for the way Kei’s eyes light up as he adds extra little tidbit facts about them in the middle of the show or the little pout he does and the scrunch of his nose as he corrects them. He’s gotten used to Friday date nights, lunch with Tetsurou’s parents every first Saturday of the month, dinner with Kei’s parent’s every last, and brunch at Akiteru and Saeko’s every Sundays.

He’s gotten used to Kei being around. He’s gotten used to them being together and doing things together and it goes without saying that he absolutely loves it. It’s like the metaphorical puzzle pieces of Tetsurou’s life are finally all in the right places only to have a piece—the biggest and perhaps the most important piece—taken away.

And Tetsurou doesn’t know what to make of unfinished puzzles.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kei is at Narita International Airport two hours before his flight. He’s checked in and deposited his luggage. Yamaguchi was supposed to come and see him off but couldn’t because of a conference he had to be in at Okinawa but he did make sure to be overbearing and reminded Kei to pack everything he needed at least ten times and to call him if needs anything and that he’ll try and visit him soon.

Currently he is sitting at a café inside the airport and mentally going over if he’s got all his documents and what he needs to do as soon as he lands in New York. Tetsurou sits across him sullenly sipping his coffee.

“You got everything you need?”

He’s asked this four times already. He’s also answered him ‘yes’ four times. Kei knows he’s asking it more out of a need to cover up what he really wants to say. He wishes he’d just hurry up and say it but Kei knows he won’t. He didn’t before and he wouldn’t now.

Their friends had thrown him a going-away party a week before he was to leave. He remembers the sheepish way Tetsurou entered their apartment the day he told the news to their friends on the National Team knowing full well Kei will be annoyed by all the messages and the well wishes. Despite them being out of good intentions, he really didn’t want to make it a big deal. He also remembers Tetsurou getting shitfaced at the party and the things he said as Kei was putting him to bed.

_I’m gonna miss you, Kei. Don’t go. I love you. Please stay. I love you so much, please._

Tetsurou doesn’t remember saying them and so Kei pretends he never heard them.

But Kei is nothing if not selfish.

“Last chance to stop me.”

Tetsurou looks up to smirk at him. His eyes telling him that he thinks Kei is cruel.

“You sound as if you want me to.”

A shrug. And maybe Kei is cruel because— _Maybe I do._

“I’m not gonna stop you from fulfilling your dreams, Kei. You never stopped me from fulfilling mine.” Tetsurou sighs as his hand reaches across to take Kei’s. “Besides, I love you too much.”

Kei may be cruel and selfish but Tetsurou can be just as much.

They walk to Kei’s gate slowly hand in hand. Tetsurou’s grip on Kei’s hand is tight, like he’s committing to memory what their palms pressed together feels like and how their fingers intertwined together looks like. He doesn’t protest because Tetsurou’s hand is warm and because he’s fascinated by how their hands fit just right and maybe because he’s also trying to memorize the feel of their hands together like this.

They’ve reached his gate. Kei doesn’t line up immediately.

“I’ll call as soon as I land.”

“You better. And write lots.”

“No one writes letters nowadays, Tetsurou.”

“What, I love written letters. They’re romantic. I’ll send you lots, probably twice every week.”

Kei rolls his eyes because, really. What kind of a 19th century Romeo is Tetsurou? Kei is sure he’s going to follow through on that, he always does, the hopeless romantic sap. He secretly looks forward to them.

“I’ll email you. And Skype you as much as I can.”

“Phone sex every night?” Tetsurou wriggles his eyebrows at him and Kei almost laughs if not for the scandalized look an old lady passing behind them sent their way. He hopes she isn’t seated beside him.

“Okay, five times a week.”

“Tetsurou, seriously—“

“Fine! Four times a week and you send me nudes every day! That’s as far as I’ll compromise.”

A family of five passed by them and Kei is sure he’s heard the little boy ask his mother what are nudes because she sent them a look that could curdle milk. He sincerely hopes to all the gods that he is nowhere seated near them.

“For fuck’s sakes keep your voice down! Oh my fucking god.” Kei sighs and glares at the unapologetic grin on Tetsurou’s face. “You’re unbelievable.”

“That’s not a no.”

“Thrice a week and I’ll send you nudes the rest of the days we can’t…Skype.”

“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll send you nudes all the time.”

They’re stalling. Kei’s flight has been called again for other passengers who are yet to line up. The line itself is almost at its end and Kei is probably the only passenger who hasn’t boarded. Tetsurou is rocking at the balls of his feet, hands tucked in the pockets of his jeans half smirking, half smiling as he nods at him to board already. It’s so, so, so unapologetic in its handsomeness and goddamn he’s going to fucking miss his stupid face.

So Kei pulls him by the collar until their noses are touching and their lips are so close he felt the surprise breath that came from Tetsurou’s lips. He’s aware that some people are looking at them, some who probably recognized who Tetsurou is were even pointing at them, but fuck them. Kei leans their foreheads together and closes his eyes. It’s going to be a long time before he can do this again.

“You better.” Kei grits out through clenched teeth before he smashed their lips together in a bruising kiss. It doesn’t take a second for Tetsurou to wrap his arms around Kei to pull him flushed against him.

For a moment, Kei forgets where they are, forgets that he’s leaving in ten minutes, forgets the people around them, and forgets that this’ll be the last time in a long while that he’ll be able to feel Tetsurou against him, will be able to kiss him like this.

They only part when they heard Kei’s flight being called for the final time before they close the gates.

“I gotta go.” Kei swallows, hands trembling and his feet won’t move. “I guess this is—well—goo—“

“Go get ‘em, Moonshine. I’ll see you soon.”

Right. This is not something like that. This is just an interlude, not the end.

Tetsurou steps in close again to give him one last sweet, chaste kiss and it took all of Kei’s will power not to grab him for another. He made the mistake of looking at his eyes and he saw the longing there even when he hasn’t even left and—fuck, he really does need to go now.

“See you soon.“

Not goodbye. Never goodbye.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Tetsurou stays until Kei disappears on the walkway. He watches on the big airport windows as his plane took off and stays a little longer because there’s no reason to hurry back home anyway.

Home. He’s not even sure he can call their apartment home now.

He’s on autopilot for the next couple of hours. He doesn’t remember leaving the airport, doesn’t remember getting in his car and driving back. Tetsurou leaves the airport heavy hearted and it gets worst when he gets home and is greeted by an empty apartment.

His phone keeps on buzzing in his pocket ever since he stepped out of the airport but he doesn’t check it—doesn’t really feel it. They’re probably just messages asking if Kei already left and a few calls from Bokuto or Kenma asking if he’s okay and he can’t really deal with those right now.

Because yes, Kei already left, and no he is not okay because Kei just left and he won’t be back for god knows how long. But that’s okay because he’s gonna call soon and Tetsurou will be fine again. It won’t be enough but it’ll do. He’ll manage. They’ll manage. They always do.

He reaches in his pocket for his phone and carelessly tossed it by the bedside table. His finger brushes over something else and he fishes out a black velvet box. The tiny thing felt as heavy in his palm as it did in his pockets the night Kei told him about his leaving. Tetsurou opens the box just to stare at the ring inside—a simple white gold band decorated with small moonstones, their initials and the date when they got together engraved inside.  He wonders if he should have given it after all.

Then again, it wouldn’t have made a difference if he did. Either way, Kei would still leave and he still wouldn’t stop him and really, he doesn’t think he’d be prepared for Kei’s answer anyway. He puts the box by the bedside table too, this time more carefully.

He plops down on their bed, suddenly too big for just one person when he used to always say they needed a bigger one because Kei moves around in his sleep and he is so tired of having half of his body hanging off the edge. Tetsurou turns to face Kei’s side, grabs one of his pillows and hugs it against him as he inhales the familiar scent of Kei’s shampoo still lingering on it. He lets out a shaky exhale and wonders how long the smell will last until he has to wash them again.

It’s barely been three hours and he already misses Kei.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kei calls thirteen hours later as soon as he was able to get a signal. Tetsurou answers on the third call, a quiet _‘Hey, Kei. How was your flight?’_ comes through. Tetsurou’s voice is dry and scratchy like he’s been screaming himself hoarse. Kei hears sniffing on the other line and thinks either he’s been crying or is about to. He doesn’t ask.

_“I miss you.”_

“It’s barely been a day.”

_“I know. I miss you already.”_

“Yeah.” Kei pauses, closes his eyes and swallows the tightness at the back of his throat. “I miss you too.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kei’s first week in America is spent unpacking, getting himself accustomed to his new place, and adjusting to the different language.

He didn’t had trouble getting to his accommodation when he arrived. The instructions he was given were pretty straight forward and Kei’s English is actually pretty decent if not a little bit accented.

He unpacks easily, the rest of his things arriving on the day of his arrival. His building is in a good neighborhood, a little far from the main highway so he sleeps well at night. It’s around a lot of shops and is just a couple of blocks away from his new university which Kei is thankful for because it saves him the commute. His first day on the university went by okay and so far all his colleagues are pleasant to work with. The classes he has are fun and interesting, challenging in a good way if not a little hard but it’s mainly because of the language. Kei still has to acquaint himself with the English language more but he gets by alright. Every day he calls Tetsurou to tell him how he’s doing and to tell him about his day and to hear about the other’s.

Some days are easier than others, some days not so much, but Kei soldiers on.

Most of the time Kei ends the day thoroughly satisfied with himself. He’s done more work than he originally planned for the day, his classes all went well and he didn’t stumble on a phrase or a sentence during the lectures. He even had time to spare to get a quick meal with a couple of his colleagues. He misses everyone back home in Japan but it’s bearable. Kei has good days more often than not that time seems to flow by fast and four years doesn’t seem too long.

Then there are days when Kei regrets not taking Tetsurou’s offer to accompany him even for just a month, just to help him get accustomed. He has been to America before, on an exchange student program during his senior year. He’s lived here for two years before. It’s been a couple of months since Kei came to America and while most days are better than others, some days he wishes he wasn’t so damn ambitious and stayed home instead. Some days he wishes he wasn’t so proud and accepted Tetsurou’s offer. Tetsurou would probably even stay longer is Kei asks.

But he doesn’t. For the same reason he declined Tetsurou’s offer.

Kei has always been proud and he knows he’s always had a selfish streak in him. The truth is he wants to do this on his own— achieving his dreams, moving to new city for better opportunities to chase those dreams. Since they first met in that volleyball training camp years ago in Tokyo, Tetsurou has always been there to teach him everything. This time—this time he wants to do this on his own.

As he is walking back to his apartment, he feels his phone vibrate in his pockets. He fishes it out and sees that he’s got a notification for a snap.

It’s from Tetsurou. He’s sweaty and a little red in the face. It looks like they just finished practice. He looks tired but his eyes are bright, a telltale sign of a good practice. The team is behind him, Hinata and Bokuto waving at the camera while Oikawa just barely managed to be on the shot.

_‘won against ushiwaka’s team!’_

He gets another snap. This time a picture of just Tetsurou. He’s outside now and he’s wearing what Kei knows is his thickest coat and a scarf is wrapped multiple times around his neck half of his face buried in it.

_‘winter. hate the cold.’_

Another snap follows that, still of Tetsurou but this time he pulls the scarf down a little. His nose and ears are red and his smile is a little somber despite the held up V sign.

_‘wish you’re here to warm me up.’_

Kei notices he’s not wearing gloves. He takes a picture of his own glove covered hand and sends a snap back, wishing he could hold and warm Tetsurou’s hands instead.

_‘wear your gloves.’_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

On days of celebrations, Tetsurou is subdued.

He wasn't always, but it's hard to fully enjoy himself when, at the back of his mind, he knows something—or more specifically, someone—is missing.

Team victories are always a cause for celebration. The team is closely knitted, majority of them being in the same team since their youth or used to play against each other for different schools. Naturally, celebrations are always an occasion for reunions. Mostly they hold celebrations at whoever's place is free or closest but more often than not they hold it in the bar the Tanaka siblings co-own.

Tonight, Kuroo's team won against Thailand in a practice match for the upcoming games. Tanaka's bar is closed for the general public, the whole team and some friends easily filling it up.

The party is in full swing. Iwaizumi and Oikawa in the middle of a drinking game that would surely end up with them making out on the bar floor. Ushijima is upside down on a beer keg while being cheered on by people. Tendou being the loudest of them. Tanaka and Nishinoya are behind the bar doing some fancy bartending tricks which the latter was surprisingly good at. Someone had started up the jukebox and some trot song is being played mixing with the rowdiness of drunken—or at least going there—crowd.

Tetsurou's is cheering on Akaashi as he completely annihilate Bokuto in beer pong. Laughing as the former Fukurodani setter shoots the pingpong ball on the last red solo cup on Bokuto's side making him howl and demand a re-match. He was in the middle of goading Bokuto into taking the punishment like a man when he looks up and his eyes landed on Sawamura and Sugawara, standing close to each other by the bar, each nursing a bottle of beer while whispering to each other.

He stops mid jeer and is suddenly reminded of who is not there.

Sawamura had just gotten back from a business trip overseas. When he heard that the team won, he came in straight from the airport and to Tanaka's bar. With the possibility of his company expanding, Sawamura has been going on a lot of business trips lately. Sugawara had once mentioned that they sometimes don't see each other for months at a time. But it's okay, he said, he understands that Sawamura is busy and between the hospital and Sugawara's occasional work as the team's secondary physician, it's not like he has a lot of free time in his hands. Anyway they have bi-weekly Skype calls and sometimes they meet halfway as much as they can so it's not like they have much time to miss each other. It's hard, definitely, but they make it work.

Tetsurou thinks about how they make it look so easy.

Tetsurou is envious, jealous even, but it's different with him and Kei. It's not like Kei could come home every couple of months and it's not like Tetsurou can meet him halfway. They're lucky to be born in an age where communication is easy even with the distance. Technology is truly a blessing but it can only do so much. Tetsurou thrives on physical contact, always have, and Kei shows his affections best through actions.

The only upside of this, perhaps, is now the bed is all his. Funny how he used to complain that Kei takes up all the space. Now the bed feels too big.

The next day, Kei calls to congratulate him. He apologizes for only calling the day after but he says he figures Tetsurou will be out partying and he didn't want to interrupt him amidst the celebration and anyway he'd probably be drunk by the end of the night. Tetsurou contests and says he'd ditch the celebrations if it means he gets to hear Kei's voice and talk to him all night.

"Okay. I'll remember that next time." Kei says. "So. Tell me about the game."

Tetsurou gives him a play by play of their game from start to finish. Kei hums and gives little comments every now and then. He imagines Kei's face as he teases him about not delivering the winning score. He whines but smiles when he hears Kei laugh on the other line.

And like this, Tetsurou convinces himself that they'll be alright.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kei has always been ambitious despite his initial lack of drive in his early years. And being ambitious means he's had to make a lot of sacrifices.

He’s aware that he hasn’t been talking to Tetsurou. It's been more than just a couple of weeks since they last had a Skype call and the texts and snaps are few and far in between, at least on Kei's side. It does make him incredibly guilty that lately it seems like Tetsurou is the only one making a full 100% effort.

But it's the end of a school year and Kei is already hard pressed enough as it is with his school and lab works he can barely even breathe. Any free time he gets he just uses to sleep or to get more work done.

There's this game in Chicago that Tetsurou's team is playing. Tetsurou had called to tell Kei all about it. He kept calling and calling and calling until Kei picked up, thinking it was an emergency. And in true Tetsurou fashion, he pretended that something wrong has happened, panic and fear injected in his tone and his opening statement full off _'you have to calm down's_ and _'oh, god how do I even say it's._

Kei's heart felt like it had leapt in his throat as the cold dread filled him, his stomach feeling like dropping to his feet like lead. He was in the middle of a lecture but he had politely and hurriedly excused himself, mentally calculating how fast he could get a plane back to Japan, prepared for the worst.

And then Tetsurou burst out laughing before telling Kei that they'll be flying to Chicago for a game and that, hey, maybe Kei should come and see them and, more specifically, him.

Naturally, Kei did not react the way Tetsurou had expected.

"Are you fucking serious?" Kei hissed in Japanese unable to control himself. "Did you seriously call me just to tell me that?"

_"Tsukki? What's wrong? I'm sorry if I scared you. I just thought—"_

"I was in the middle of a lecture. I had to excuse myself only to find out you were fucking prank calling me? Jesus, Kuroo!"

_"Oh, shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wasn't kidding though. We are going to play in Chicago next week. Please tell me you could come and see me?"_

Under normal circumstances, when Kei is perhaps not high strung and running on five hours of sleep in three days, Kei would've easily forego Tetsurou 's attempt at a joke and would be already planning on booking a ticket to Chicago by the end of the phone call. But as it was not the case, Kei could only sigh as he rubbed his temples.

"Look, Tetsurou. I got to get back inside. I'll call you as soon as I get home."

He ended the call before Tetsurou could even get another word in.

Later, when he got home and had cooled down, Kei clicks the video call button on his screen and waits in slight bated breath for Tetsurou to pick up.

Tetsurou's face appears on the screen. He's shirtless, hair is still wet from the shower, as he smiles at Kei slightly through the screen.

Kei blurts out an apology and how he shouldn't have snapped at Tetsurou like that. The Chicago game is a wonderful news. He's happy for him and the team. But for fucks sakes, if he could stop being an ass and delivering a good news like someone's just died or something that will be very well appreciated.

Tetsurou laughs his ugly hacking laugh that, to this day, Kei still hasn't a single idea why, in all its ugly hacking glory, always manages to put a smile on his face. The man apologizes for his bit and with hopeful eyes, asks Kei again if he would come down to see them—see him.

Here lies the trouble.

Kei really, truly, wants to make the flight to Chicago. Unfortunately, all his exams are on the week the game is and he really couldn't afford to miss any of them. But he doesn't want to see the disappointed look in Tetsurou 's face so instead he says a noncommittal "I'll try" and it works because Tetsurou smiles, the smile he reserves just for Kei, the prospect of seeing him in person no doubt already etched in his mind, heart already set in anticipation.

Tetsurou 's smile sends a bittersweet hit straight to Kei's heart, especially since he knows before he even made the call that he's not going to make it.

A day before the game is scheduled, Kei sends a text to Tetsurou that something urgent came up and he couldn't make it after all. He tells him good luck and to do his best and that he'll Skype him later but he knows it's a very poor compensation for what he's done.

Kei is selfish and a coward and an asshole. He hates himself even as he swallows the bitter lump in his throat as he hits send and he hates himself even more when in his heart of hearts he still thinks: _Tetsurou will understand. Right?_

Tetsurou reverts with: _‘It's okay, Tsukki. I understand. Another time maybe. See you later! :D’_

Tsukishima Kei is officially the worst human being to ever exist.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“You look happy.” Tetsurous says as Kei’s face comes into view on his screen.

A year has passed since Kei moved to the US for his graduate degree and this, being apart and existing in brief borrowed times, has been more tolerable.

“Do I?” Kei asks as he towel dries his hair fresh from the shower. He puts on his glasses and finally stops squinting at his screen. Tetsurou laments it a little because as much as he loves Kei with his glasses on, he also likes seeing his face without them.

“You’re smiling. Something good happened? Did that annoying colleague of yours finally quit?”

Kei smirks as he rolls his eyes—and that, Tetsurou misses seeing that in person, too—settling a little more comfortable on his desk.

“God. I wish, but no.”

“Oh? This is new.” Tetsurou says, intrigued. The smirk on Kei’s lips is morphing into a small smile. “What has you smiling other than me and other people’s misery?”

“Tetsurou, please.” Kei smiles at him patronizingly. “Of the two you mentioned only one thing really makes me smile and we both know that’s not you.”

“Sure, darling.” Tetsurou smirks back.  “Sounds fake, but okay.”

The banter, at least, never changes no matter their distance and for that Tetsurous is glad and thankful. At least they’ll always have that.

Kei tells him about his new project and how it’s going well. Their research is progressing fast and they’re right on schedule. And while his annoying co-worker has no plans of quitting any time in the near future (despite Tsukishima short of being blatantly rude and his _subtle_ attempts at making their life hard) they’re making great work and the university only has high praises. Also, Yamaguchi’s coming over next week because the research institute he’s working for in Japan has a joint project with another university in New York and he’s bringing Hitoka along.

Tetsurou knows Kei’s really looking forward to the latter the most. Even with him just casually bringing it up at the end of his spiel, he knows Kei is the most excited for Yamaguchi’s and Yachi’s visits. He could tell with the obvious way he tried to curve his excitement and the way he coughed behind his hand to hide his smile. And anyway, the most telling part of Kei are his eyes, always. Kei’s eyes lighted up as he mentioned their friends.

“That’s great, Kei! Congratulations on your work by the way. Of course they’ll have nothing but high praises for you. You’re the best dino nerd I know! How long will Yamaguchi and Yachi be staying there?” 

“You know I would’ve slit your throat for calling me a dino nerd had I been there, right?”

Kei’s face is deadpan but he’s sneering and Tetsurou laughs because out of all of the things he said it figures that Kei will pick up on the silly nickname.

“But you’re not and that’s why I’m milking it for all it’s worth, my little dino nerd.”

He’s glad Kei will be seeing someone from home in person after a year of being away from them. Tetsurou is not alien to the feeling of homesickness and knows how comforting it is to have something come to you from home.

He just wishes it was him.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It starts with missing scheduled Skype calls.

Then the _‘Sorry, I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you back’s_ became more frequent. Not every call is returned, sometimes the calls aren’t even answered and the apologies never come.

And then follows the texts and the snaps becoming less and less until they can even go on weeks without a single word being exchanged. No ‘hey’s, no random snaps, no notifications, no nothing.

Eventually, their communication just became more seldom and few and far in between. It’s just—their schedules just won’t permit it. Kei with his studies and his work and Kuroo with his intense training for the upcoming games. They’re just…always really busy.

Kei knows this pattern. It’s happened before when Tetsurou was the one who was away—different time zones, schedules that don’t correspond and line up, busy schedules and busy lives. Tetsurou has a fuller course work than Kei, what with him being an exchanged student in his senior year as well as an athlete, and he also had that internship. Compared to Kei who was only in his second year with a lighter course work and more free time, it was natural that Kuroo will be the one to be harder to reach.

Kei knows how this goes. They’ve done this before.

Except this time—this time it’s Kei that’s the problem.

He knows it’s a pattern, knows the workings of it, the innings and outings, and yet he’s still letting it slip. And a part of him, a sick twisted part of him—a small part of him—a little spiteful voice at the back of his head that sounds off at his worst and lowest, thinks of this as payback.

There is another game being played outside of Japan. The Japan team is up against Spain this time. Tetsurou is much more excited for this one not only because he always considers it a challenge playing against western teams but also because the game is being held in New Rochelle, New York—a mere thirty minute drive from Kei, an hour if taken by train give or take.

Kei still doesn’t make it on account of the schedule of the game not coinciding with his classes. Then, he has a very important presentation to present to the Board and he couldn’t move it because it’s long been scheduled and re-scheduling will put him, his department and college, in bad light. Attending the game was just not possible.

They had a fight about it.

Kei calls Tetsurou as soon as he’s out of the labs. The game ended almost six hours ago.

The line keeps on ringing. Tetsurou answers on the third ring of the third call and before he could get a word out, Kei’s apologies fly out of him in a flurry of words and almost jumbled phrases. It is silent on the other line as Tetsurou just let him speak.

“Alright. What’s your excuse this time then?” Tetsurou says, exasperated and with force nonchalance coloring his tone.

“Tetsurou, please. I’m sorry. I had an important presentation with the Board that’s been scheduled months before. I couldn’t reschedule it. I’m one of the main proponents of the study so I had to be there. It ran long and late and—I’m really sorry, Tetsurou.”

“The game ended at five. It’s been six hours, Kei. Why the hell are you only calling now?”

Kei is apologetic and while everything he said was true, that his circumstances just wouldn’t allow him to come immediately even after the game, his alibis are weak and thin at best even in his own ears.

Tetsurou weighs his next words and the line is silent for what feels like hours to Kei when it’s only been seconds.

“You weren’t at Chicago either.” Tetsurou says at length, soft and quite but Kei could hear the underlying accusation.

“I told you didn’t I? I couldn’t make the flight. My schedule and work at the university won’t let me. And it’s not like I could just drive there the moment I was finished. I literally had to fly out, Tetsurou. We’ve talked about this. Please. Stop being unreasonable.”

Kei winces as soon as the last word escapes him. He wants to take back his words. Tetsruou doesn’t deserve them especially that last bit, but something about his tone and the way he mentioned Chicago rubbed Kei the wrong way and  that made something in him snap and the words are out before he could even stop and think about them.

“That’s the thing!”

Tetsruou explodes on the other line and Kei shuts his eyes as he bites his bottom lip.

“You were literally just a bus ride away this time! You could’ve taken any land transport available! A cab, the subway. The fucking trains here literally never stop running. You didn’t have to fly out!”

Tetsruou cuts himself and Kei could hear a sharp intake of breath on the other line as the older tries to reign in on his temper.

“And yet you still chose not to go.” Tetsruou continues sounding defeated. The resignation in Tetsruou’s voice is like tiny pin prick needles pocking at Kei’s chest. “Sometimes…sometimes I feel like you’re not making the effort, Kei. Like I’m the only one trying.”

“That’s not true.” Kei shoots back, an automatic reaction for wanting to squash the guilt eating him up. “You know it’s not.”

“Isn’t it?”

His grip on his phone tightens. Kei doesn’t have an answer to that. So he just swallows past the lump in his throat, soldiers though the familiar feeling of self-hatred steadily creeping up his spine, and tries again.

“Look, Tetsurou. How long are you staying here? Do you have time tomorrow? We can—“

“Save it, Kei. Our flight is at noon. We leave the hotel in the morning. I don’t have time and I don’t think you have the time then either.”

“That’s fine. I could just see you off. Which airpo—“

“It’s fine, Kei. Really.” Tetsruou sighs at the other end of the line like he’s so tired—exhausted and all he wants is for this conversation to be over. “We won by the way in case you’re interested.”

The line goes dead before Kei could plead more or even utter congratulations.

And this—this, too, is familiar. An abruptly ended phone call, unwarranted words spoken, one of them shouting down the line, and Kei feeling drained and exhausted. The spiteful voice at the back of his head is whispering mean things in his ears and is trying to convince him that this is not his fault. Tetsruou is being unreasonable and unfair now that he’s the one being neglected, that this is payback.

But Kei blocks it out because none of it is true. This isn’t payback and it was never meant to be.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Tetsurou doesn’t know why he’s here.

It’s 6AM and he’s standing outside of Kei’s door. He’s been here for a good half an hour contemplating if he should just finally knock or just turn around and get back to his hotel. He’s only got two hours at most to the team before they all have to go to the airport and fly back home to Japan.

But home—home hasn’t been home for over a year now. Not really.

He shouldn’t be here. Everything he believes in, everything that’s pointing towards the right thing to do is screaming that he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t have to be the one to come to Kei. He already gave him a chance, he was already close enough, being here, at his doorstep is just him being a pushover.

And yet.

Tetsurou has long since known, accepted, that he can never stay mad at Kei, can never hold anything against him. It never sits well with him when they fight and he really doesn’t want to leave with them being on such bad terms.

He knows he’s not guilt free. He knows that a couple of years ago, the roles were reversed and it was Tsukishima who was in his shoes right now.

Tetsurou steels himself, raises his hand to rap his knuckles against the door. It swings open before he could and he is face to face with Kei, who looks a little disheveled and hurried, heavy bags under blood shot eyes. It was obvious that he was rushing to get somewhere and Tetsurou has an idea where.

His breath gets knocked out of him a second later as Kei launches himself at him and he found himself with an armful of long limbs and blonde hair.

Kei’s arms circle around him in a tight embrace, almost as if he couldn’t believe Tetsurou is really there and might disappear any minute if he doesn’t hold tight enough, and Tetsurou finds himself instinctively wrapping his arms around Kei, slowly backing them inside his apartment before closing the door shut with his foot.

Kei pulls back only to smash their lips together in a bruising kiss pushing Tetsurou against the door. The kiss is hurried, almost frenetic, conveying everything Kei couldn’t put into words, and still Tetsurou sighs against it, relieved, like he’s been finally allowed to breathe after being deprived of air for so long.

When they finally let up, Kei just tucks himself back against Tetsurou’s neck, arms still around him tight and their bodies flush. He whispers ‘I’m sorry’ against Tetsurou’s neck, a hot breath of air that makes him shiver, as he just hums in response. They stay like that for a while, just leaning against Kei’s door in each other’s arms, the silence only broken in intervals by Kei’s whispers whenever he could get the words out.

Tetsurou isn’t mad, not really. And even if he was it’s not at Kei—will never be at Kei.

At twenty seven, Tetsurou didn’t think they’d still be going through this.

They checked all the boxes. Graduate high school, get into the same university, play in the same team, move in together. Tetsurou will graduate first and he’ll get a good job and get a place outside of campus. Go into grad school while working. Then Kei will move in with him in their new place and then he’ll graduate with honors because he’s a genius like that and he’ll go straight to grad school. Then maybe, down the road, they’ll think about marriage and maybe starting a family, maybe get a dog, and maybe move in to a bigger place, a place in in the suburbs maybe.

But things went a little different along the road and they’ve had to compromise and that’s okay because they still found a way around them to be together—on most days of the year. They work it out because love find ways around different career paths and schedules and time zones.

They checked all the boxes. They had everything planned out.

But Tetsurou should really start to learn that things don’t always go as planned and love is never convenient.

“You know,” Tetsurou starts as his hand comes up to stroke at Kei’s head. “I thought we were done with this.”

Tetsurou remembers how the velvet box felt heavy in his pocket that night, the night Kei told him he was leaving for the States with no certainty of when he’ll be back. To this day, he still doesn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he haven’t asked yet.

“I’m sorry.” Kei whispers, his voice breaking at the last syllable and with it Tetsurou’s heart. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, Moonshine, don’t be.” He pulls back to cradle Kei’s face in his hands and kisses the top of his head and then his lips. He wipes the stray tears that fell from his eyes with his thumbs and then kisses Kei’s eyelids too. “This is just me being selfish.”

“No. No, you’re not. I wasn’t trying hard enough. I should’ve been there. I should’ve—I was going to see you off but now you’re here and—oh my god.” Kei’s rant is cut off with a sob and Tetsurou tucks him against his embrace again. “You’re still the one who came for me. Why do you still always come for me?”

“Do you really need me to answer that?” Tetsurou asks, chuckling, but a moment later he says it anyway. “I love you, Kei.”

“I’m sorry.” Kei doesn’t elaborate but Tetsurou already knows what he means. “I’m so sorry.”

“For loving you? Never.” He kisses Kei’s temple. “Never.”

“I love you too. You know that, right?”

“Of course, Moonshine.” He sighs, Kei’s words still making his hearts swell after all these years. “Of course.”

Love, Tetsurou thinks, is never convenient, and certainly not on their part, but love, especially Tsukishima Kei, is always—always—worth it.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Tetsurou was in America, they had a fight. Kei can’t remember what it was about only that it lasted quite long. They’d go for days without even texting each other and when they do Skype, it was awkward and uncomfortable and they barely talk until it just stopped altogether. Kei wasn’t sure about Tetsurou but he sure as hell was miserable. He hid it well—or at least he thought he did. The pitying and worried looks of their friends, the people who knew, say otherwise.

At one point one of them brought up the idea of just breaking up—him or Tetsurou, Kei can’t remember. He really can’t remember much about that fight—or he chose not to. It was that bad.

And at one point, it crossed Kei’s mind that maybe—maybe that’ll be for the best. Maybe they rushed into things. Maybe they _are_ too young and they didn’t know what they were getting themselves into when they chose to do this. Maybe the long distance thing is really not for them. That they’re not as well-grounded as a couple as they thought they are. That maybe they want different things after all and were just realizing it now. Maybe this is their chance—their way out.

But then Tetsurou went back to Japan. An apology was the first one out of his mouth as soon as he got Kei alone and then _‘I miss you’_ and _‘Let’s stop fighting’_ and _‘I don’t even know what we’re fighting about’_ and more _‘I’m sorry’s’_ and finally _‘I love you.’_

Kei is pretty fucking sure neither knows whose fault it was and he knows Tetsurou isn’t apologizing because he think it’s his but rather, he’s apologizing just because they’re fighting. Tetsurou being Tetsurou decided to make the first step regardless and Kei is once again reminded of who is the better half in this relationship.

In all the years they’ve been together, Kei could count the number of times he’s been the one to apologize in one hand. Tetsurou has always been the one to take the first step to make up, to stop whatever stupid argument they had going on, is always the one to come back first or coax Kei to come back home.

This time it is Kei who goes to him.

Kei has no delusions whenever they have a fight. He doesn’t expect Tetsurou to be messed up or thrown off by whatever issues they might be having. Or even if he is, Kei knows Tetsurou enough that he wouldn’t let it affect his every day performance. And Kei tries his best not to let it affect him, too, outside his personal life. They’re adults. They’re rational enough to separate whatever problems they’re having as a couple from their careers.

At least that’s what Kei tells himself. Clearly he’s done a piss-poor job of it. He’s always been the more difficult one between the two of them.

He remembers the sort of truce they had. How it was still Tetsurou who ended up making the first move with that Skype call. How it’s still Tetsurou who think he’s being selfish for demanding of Kei to put in more effort to make their situation work—effort which Tetsurou rightfully deserved and Kei failed magnanimously to give. Like he said, he’s always been the more difficult one between the two of them.

Maybe it really is the age difference no matter how short it is, but even if it’s only a two year difference, Tetsurou has always been the wiser one in these kinds of things. After all, Tetsurou has always been the better hinged between them.

Except when he lets it get to him.

Kei watches the game on the first story bleachers. The Japan’s National Volleyball Men’s Team is currently playing a match against Korea. Both teams has taken a set each, both sets scores ran well into the thirties. It’s currently the third set and it does not look like it’s in Japan’s favor. It’s Korea’s match point. Japan needs to score five points in succession or else this’ll be their last match. The team doesn’t look like it’s running on high morale right now—not when one of their middle blockers look like he’s having an off day.

There is a sick, twisted kind of hope blooming in Kei that maybe, perhaps, it’s because of him that Tetsurou is not on his best game today. That maybe, Tetsurou isn’t as unaffected by their situation as Kei thinks he is. That maybe Tetsurou has it just as bad as Kei does, that they haven’t outgrown missing each other despite having done this before, and that maybe as much as they mess each other up they also make each other and they should just stop being so stupid about it.

The Japan team calls for a timeout. The members looked pissed and worried in varying degrees but still intensely focused. Kei makes his way down and stands by the edge watching Tetsurou’s pinched expression. The timeout ends and Kei braces himself against the railings as he yelled out Tetsurou’s name.

“Oi, Japan player number two! Kuroo Tetsurou!”

Sure enough Tetsurou’s head snapped up towards the sound of the familiar voice. He stops short of walking back to the court as his eyes went wide when he saw Kei leaning against the railings with his arms crossed over it and staring at him deadpanned.

“I didn’t come all the way here to watch you lose you know.”

“Kei. You—what are you—”

“Focus on the game, idiot.” Kei said evenly despite his insides screaming at him to just pull Tetsurou aside and tell him the words he should’ve said but didn’t, couldn’t— _I’m sorry. I’m the selfish one. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I miss you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll do better. I’m sorry. I lo_ — “We’ll talk later.”

Tetsurou continues to be rooted on the spot staring at Kei until the whistle signaling the game is about to start sounded. Kei flashes him a victory sign, tilting his head slightly and smiling minutely, not unlike the way he used to do with Akiteru before a game a long, long time ago. It coaxes a smile from Tetsurou and he huffs out a laugh as he flashes an answering victory sign back, beaming.

The Japan team managed to pull through during the last leg of the game, securing their win and their place in the next round of eliminations. It was a close game and the score difference was only by a two point margin but a win is still a win and the Japan team lives to play on another game.

Later when the game has ended and stadium has emptied out, Kei sits by the bleachers staring out in the empty court, waiting. He doesn’t startle when Tetsurou sits beside him, he knew it was him just by the weight of his approaching footfalls, just continued staring on as he fiddles with his fingers. An old nervous habit.

Tetsurou wordlessly takes Kei’s hand in his. He always notices when Kei is fiddling with his fingers, knows it’s a habit Kei can’t drop. Tetsurou doesn’t mind—has never minded. He just takes Kei’s hand, untangling his fingers and lacing them on his own, their palms touching. They fit perfectly and his hands are warm. Kei is glad his hands are warm.

They’re silent for a while. Just sitting beside each other staring out on the empty stadium. Most of the light in the bleachers are off saved from a few and the light down at the court.

“Why did you come here?” Tetsurou asks softly, rubbing soothing circles at the back of Kei’s hand.

Good question. Kei has been asking the very same question since he arrived. They’re not fighting anymore. They’re okay. And yet— and yet Kei was restless. He’s been feeling restless for a while now. If he’s going to be truly honest, he’d think he’s been restless since last year, when he left Japan. He’s just been good at keeping it at bay, his work and his studies had been good distractions. But the restlessness had slowly been getting hard to contain—more violent, less docile—until Kei couldn’t take it anymore and he gives in to what it really is.

Home. He wants to come home.

It’s not Miyagi or Tokyo. It’s not even Japan. They’re in an entirely different country and an entirely different city. But Kei has long since understand that home for him is not a place.

“I wanted to come home.”

Tetsurou looks at him then, surprised at the admission. Kei smiles and tries to reign in himself.

Sometimes it hurts just to look at Tetsurou because he’s so honest, always so open with his emotions when it comes to Kei. The way he looks at him is always so warm, so full of love that Kei sometimes feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to do because—Tetsurou.

Tetsurou who is his anchor, his calm, his constant, and the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Tetsurou who is his home.

“Oh, Moonshine.” Tetsurou leans in, closing the distance between them and kissing Kei softly on the lips. He kisses both his cheeks and his nose before sighing and leaning his forehead on Kei’s.

Kei pulls away and Tetsurou automatically lifts his arm so Kei can fit himself to his side. He kisses Kei’s forehead and then his hair, burying his nose in the blonde locks.

“After all these years I’m still teaching myself that this—us—will never be convenient.”

“You and me both, huh?” Kei sighs.

Sometimes Kei thinks it might be them. They know so many of their friends who are in the same situation as them—Bokuto and Akaashi, Iwaizumi and Oikawa, Daichi and Sugawara—and they all manage just fine. They all manage to meet halfway. They all manage to make it work. Maybe it’s just them—Tetsurou and Kei. Maybe they’re not cut out for this. Maybe they should just wait it out, try again when they’re in the same place at the same time.

Or maybe it’s just Kei.

“Maybe—“ Kei swallows, something like guilt and remorse lodged in his throat. “Maybe if I was greedy enough I could’ve found a way to be with you too.”

“Don’t.” Tetsurou admonishes, tone firm as he lightly pinches Kei’s side. “Tch. All those smarts and you couldn’t even understand that I’ll always be yours whenever, wherever?” Tetsurou pulls him closer, hand pressing snugly against Kei’s waist. “We’ll make it work alright? We’ll try harder. Besides, can you imagine how smug and unbearable Bokuto and Oikawa are gonna be if we give in and they find out? Oh my God, Kei.”

“Are you saying you’re only staying with me so Bokuto and Oikawa won’t best you?”

“I’m not saying that’s what I was saying but that’s totally what I was saying, yeah.”

Kei pushes off against Tetsurou’s side to level him with a very unimpressed stare.

“We have to show them we’re the superior couple!”

“I want to break up.”

“Yeah, well. Tough shit. You’re stuck with me forever. No take backsies.”

Kei doesn’t answer, just resumes his place on Tetsurou’s side feeling the older pulling him plush against him and kissing the crown of his head. Kei buries his face in the crook of Tetsurou’s neck and breathes in deep, the scent of home filling his nose and warming his heart.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Tetsurou comes back to an empty apartment after a gruesome practice.

He doesn’t call out that he’s home because he knows no one will answer anyway. It’s been almost four years since he came home and someone was there to welcome him back. Three years since he stopped calling out ‘Tadaima’ before realizing there’s no one to answer ‘Okaeri.’

He looks up from taking his shoes when he notices the hallway isn’t as dark as it usually is, quirks an eyebrow when he sees the opened light in the living room.

Huh, he thinks exhausted and a little out of it, did he not turn all the lights off before leaving? That’ll be a problem considering it’s been two weeks since he left for the Osaka training. If it’s been on this whole time he’s surprised it hadn’t busted out from over heat and burned the apartment down. Fuck, he thinks with a slight grimace, the electricity bill will probably be through the roof.

Eh. At least it’ll be something to tell Kei on their next Skype call. If the man doesn’t rip him a new one from nearly having their apartment (and the whole building) burn down.

_‘Hey, babe. So, don’t freak out, but I was almost responsible for burning our home and the entire building. But don’t worry! I didn’t! But our electricity bill may be a liiiittle higher than usual—okay, waaaay higher than the usual. But, hey! At least we’re not homeless and I’m not being charged for arson.’_

That or someone broke in while he was away and this is the night he’s going to die. He vaguely considers this idea to be better than having to tell Kei why their electricity bill skyrocketed out of proportion. Still, it will be a better story to tell Kei than the first one.

_‘Hey, babe. So, funny story. You’ll never guess what happened when I came back from that training in Osaka. So, I came home, right? And someone broke into our apartment! Haha! Funny, right? Oops. Got to go. Gotta make sure I’m not getting murdered tonight. Love you, bye!’_

Yep. Much more interesting than the first one. That is, if he survives this night.

With careful footsteps, he quietly gets the baseball bat that Oikawa got him for his birthday as a joke (something about changing sports careers because his blocks are starting to be ineffective against Iwaizumi’s spikes—what bullshit) that he keeps in the hall cabinet for such purposes. Kei has always called him ridiculous for being paranoid and argued their security system works just fine but look where he is now—about to battle a criminal for his life and he doesn’t even know if he’ll get the chance to tell Kei ‘I told you so.’

He walks across the hall as quietly as he could in high alert, eagle eyes and ears straining to see where the intruder may come from. He was just about to cross the threshold from the hall to the den when a voice piped up from his right and he almost drop his weapon on his barefoot.

“Oh, good. You’re home. Set the table will you? This’ll be done in a few.”

Tsukishima Kei, in the flesh and in their kitchen, in an apron cooking dinner, acting like everything is fine and normal as if this is just an everyday occurrence, as if it hasn’t been nearly four years since he last stepped foot in their kitchen.

“Kei?” Tetsurou manages to speak after fumbling on his hold on the metal bat. “W-what are you doing here?”

“Cooking dinner obviously.” Kei scoffs with a roll of his eyes and—oh. Oh, Tetsurou thinks, this isn’t a dream then. Dream Kei never rolls his eyes at him, just looks at him lovingly and with blind adoration. This really is the Real Kei. “Set the table before you wash up will you?”

Tetsurou does so numbly. He stumbles with the motion for a moment, not having used to setting the table for two in a long while, but he finished it quick without dropping anything even considering his confused and frankly disoriented state.

He blinks at Kei’s back when he’s finished, watching him for a moment as he finishes their dinner. He’s still not entirely sure if all of this is true or his overactive imagination couple with how much he misses Kei had fused together to form this hallucination. Maybe he was hit by a really strong spike during practice and he has a concussion. Or maybe he’s still lying in the middle of the gym this whole time as their team crowds around him. Meanwhile, he’s unconscious, with a massive concussion, and dreaming all of this up.

“Kei, you—“ He manages to choke out again. “I mean—aren’t you—why are you—wha—what?”

“Later.” Kei says, facing the stove and back still against him. “Go wash up first. You reek of sweat. And don’t forget to put your dirty clothes in the hamper. If you let them stew in your gym bag again, I swear to god you’re gonna do your own laundry for a month.”

Tetsurou just nods numbly as he turns to exit and do as he’s told. He gets pulled back by a gentle hand on his shoulder before he could cross the threshold and when he turns he is greeted with Kei’s lips against his, warm and as soft as he remembers them, before he pulls away much too quickly for Tetsurou’s liking. He tries to lean for another but Kei just smiles as he kisses the corner of his mouth instead.

“Welcome home, Tetsurou.”

Later, when he’s done washing up and putting his dirty laundry in the hamper and really coming to terms that Kei is really here, in their apartment, ordering him around like the bossy brat that he is, Tetsurou sweeps him up in his arms and gives him a proper kiss, longer and sweeter and conveying just how much he’s missed him. Kei smiles into the kiss before breaking apart lest it turns into something more and their dinner gets cold.

“Okay. You may ask questions now. Go.”

“When did you come home?”

“About a week ago. Next.”

“We’re you already planning this when I told you of the training in Osaka.”

“Yes. I wanted to surprise you. Last question.”

“How did you even manage to keep this a secret from me?”

“What, like it’s hard? Tetsurou, please.” Kei puts down their dinner on the table. He hands a bowl of steaming rice to Tetsurou. “Also, I might have had some help.”

Tetsurou looks down at their table and narrows his eyes at their dinner. Kei made grilled salted mackerel pike. Dinner is conveniently almost done as soon as Tetsurou arrives home. He looks up and sees Kei starting up on his meal. He quirks an eyebrow at Tetsurou as if he’s silently asking why he’s staring but he can see the small smirk at the corner of the blonde’s mouth as he slowly chews.

Kei knew Tetsurou will be home today. Cheeky bastard. Must’ve known from Bokuto. So that’s why that idiot couldn’t stop grinning— heck, that’s why the team kept on giving him looks and grinning. They even freaked out the opponent team. The other team probably thought the national team are a bunch of creeps with all of Bokuto and Hinata’s grinning and Oikawa’s smirking.

“You could have told me. I would have fetch you at the airport.”

“And what? Have a big dramatic reunion in the middle of the airport with a lot of people watching us?”

“No. Is it so wrong that I wanted to _simply and normally_ pick up my boyfriend whom I haven’t seen in a long time from the airport?”

“You told me, in your last game in the States, that you’re, and I quote, _‘gonna run and meet me in the middle of the arrivals lounge, sweep me off my feet and give me a big welcome kiss as other people look on jealously,’_ end quote.”

“You never let me have anything!” Tetsurou whined as Kei gives him another serving of rice. “No, but seriously. Is your program over already? Aren’t you supposed to be back next year?”

Kei shrugs, picking some vegetables and putting them on Tetsurou’s bowl. “Finished my research ahead of schedule. The JST* needed someone to head the new paleontology research facility and the university recommended me.”

“How long will you be home?”

“It’s a full time job. I’m already done with my MA and PhD and the JST is planning to put the Paleontology Department as a permanent research facility so I’m guessing as long as they’ll have me.”

“So—” Tetsurou swallows down something like hope bubbling up inside him. He does not dare hope but Kei is making it hard not to with the way he’s trying to hide his smile behind his glass of water. “So, you’re home? For good?”

“Yeah. I guess. For now. That is until I get sent in labs or for paper presentations or excavations outside Japan again. We’ll figure it out.”

The look Kei sent his way is heavy with promise—that he’ll tell him sooner, that they’ll work out a plan, meet halfway, that they’ll do better.

“Yeah. We’ll figure it out.”

Tetsurou reaches across the table and takes Kei’s hand, caressing circles against his knuckles. Kei shifts their hands and intertwines their fingers together, palms touching.

“Welcome home then, Kei.”

“It’s good to be home.”

Tetsurou looks at Kei’s hand and thinks about the velvet box in the back of his drawer. It’s been sitting there for far too long. Maybe he’d put it off long enough.

Then again, he thinks as Kei pulls away to continue eating and telling him to do the same, there’s a right time for everything.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:  
> \- *Japan Science and Technology Agency  
> \- Kei found the box at the back of Tetsurou’s drawer one day when he was putting away their laundry. He’s not surprised. Just smirks and tucks it back. Tetsurou has been hinting about it and he’s not really subtle about it contrary to what he thinks.  
> \- Anyway, it’s not like he has any other answers besides yes.  
> \- He tried his best to act surprised on the day of the proposal but Tetsurou saw through him.  
> “You already know didn’t you?”  
> “Found the box while I was putting away laundry.”  
> “How long?”  
> “A couple of months since I came back. Was debating whether I should just beat you to it. You were taking your time.”  
> “Thank you for not stealing my thunder.”  
> “You’re welcome, darling.”  
> “Although your acting could use some work.”  
> “Do you want me to take back my answer?”
> 
> I finished this in the office. I didn’t get any work done. I finished this before leaving the office to go to dinner with friends. Are y’all proud of me? 
> 
> I do prompts on [Tumblr](http://tsukishima-kuns.tumblr.com) sometimes. Y'all can send me some if you want. Or if you just wanna chat, feel free to drop by! TALK TO ME ABOUT THE CURRENT KARASUNO VS NEKOMA MATCH!!
> 
> And, if any of y'all are BTS fans, I also have a [BTS sideblog](https://pastelminyoongi.tumblr.com). You're also welcome to come scream at me about those 7 amazing dorks!!''
> 
> Thank you for reading! Remember, kudos and comments makes the writer happy (and writing)!!


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